Get Growing! Tools and Strategies for Living, Working and Relating Well
Forgiveness...With a Twist
November 9, 2020
In the September edition of my newsletter, Apologizing, The When, Where, How and Why of Saying I’m Sorry, I discussed the gifts and challenges of apologizing, so it’s only fitting that I follow up with the topic of forgiveness.
Forgive and forget…easier said than done, right? As if forgiving wasn’t challenging enough, unless you suffer a bout of amnesia, forgetting is nearly impossible. So how do we forgive, much less forget, when past events live on in long-term memory? Start by reframing i.e. looking at or thinking about your beliefs, ideas and relationships from a different perspective.
Apologies and forgiveness ‘travel together,’ yet making an apology is no guarantee of being forgiven. This doesn’t lessen the need or importance of apologizing, but without forgiveness, true closure may not be obtainable. For many, the act of forgiveness is neither simple or easy.
If you want to forgive someone, but aren’t ready, willing or able, start by asking yourself the following questions. Your answers may shed some light on what is holding you back.
What unfinished business needs to be addressed or resolved in order for me to forgive this person?
What am I afraid might happen or not happen, if I forgive this person?
How does it serve me to hang on to the anger, sadness or fear around this situation?
How would my life be different if I forgave this person?
Forgiving someone is not synonymous with condonation. People are often hesitant to forgive for fear it sends the message that what happened was somehow okay or didn’t matter. Forgiveness is not about the offense, it’s about deciding that you will no longer allow it to have power over your relationships and your life. You’re not letting someone off the hook, you’re letting go of the issue.
And now for the twist. There are certain situations in which withholding forgiveness may be the best and right thing to do for the person who has been wronged. He or she might need to establish and maintain healthy boundaries with the person who committed the offense, and forgiveness might increase their sense of vulnerability or feeling unsafe.
If you choose not to forgive someone and are feeling out of integrity as a result, cut yourself some slack. Give yourself permission to withhold forgiveness for now, but be open to the possibility of changing your mind in the future. If forgiving that person feels more like a should than a want, then you’re probably not ready.
Keep in mind, there is more to us than our mistakes, poor judgment or bad behavior. “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts,” If the person to whom you’ve apologized will not forgive you, it’s their prerogative. This might be the perfect time to work even harder at earning their forgiveness, forgiving yourself or letting it go.
“Forgiveness is just another name for freedom.” ~ Byron Katie
Recommended Reading:
“Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope” by Dr. Robert D. Enright PhD
Did you know that holding a grudge can be hazardous to your health? Check this out!
In the next edition of "Get Growing! Tools and Strategies for Living, Working and Relating Well," I'll be exploring the pitfalls of living a fear-based life and how you can overcome it.
Please check out my new Facebook page. Who knew posting could be so much fun?!
If you know someone who might enjoy this newsletter, feel free to pass it along.
TO SUBSCRIBE, CLICK HERE
Forgiveness...With a Twist
November 9, 2020
In the September edition of my newsletter, Apologizing, The When, Where, How and Why of Saying I’m Sorry, I discussed the gifts and challenges of apologizing, so it’s only fitting that I follow up with the topic of forgiveness.
Forgive and forget…easier said than done, right? As if forgiving wasn’t challenging enough, unless you suffer a bout of amnesia, forgetting is nearly impossible. So how do we forgive, much less forget, when past events live on in long-term memory? Start by reframing i.e. looking at or thinking about your beliefs, ideas and relationships from a different perspective.
Apologies and forgiveness ‘travel together,’ yet making an apology is no guarantee of being forgiven. This doesn’t lessen the need or importance of apologizing, but without forgiveness, true closure may not be obtainable. For many, the act of forgiveness is neither simple or easy.
If you want to forgive someone, but aren’t ready, willing or able, start by asking yourself the following questions. Your answers may shed some light on what is holding you back.
What unfinished business needs to be addressed or resolved in order for me to forgive this person?
What am I afraid might happen or not happen, if I forgive this person?
How does it serve me to hang on to the anger, sadness or fear around this situation?
How would my life be different if I forgave this person?
Forgiving someone is not synonymous with condonation. People are often hesitant to forgive for fear it sends the message that what happened was somehow okay or didn’t matter. Forgiveness is not about the offense, it’s about deciding that you will no longer allow it to have power over your relationships and your life. You’re not letting someone off the hook, you’re letting go of the issue.
And now for the twist. There are certain situations in which withholding forgiveness may be the best and right thing to do for the person who has been wronged. He or she might need to establish and maintain healthy boundaries with the person who committed the offense, and forgiveness might increase their sense of vulnerability or feeling unsafe.
If you choose not to forgive someone and are feeling out of integrity as a result, cut yourself some slack. Give yourself permission to withhold forgiveness for now, but be open to the possibility of changing your mind in the future. If forgiving that person feels more like a should than a want, then you’re probably not ready.
Keep in mind, there is more to us than our mistakes, poor judgment or bad behavior. “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts,” If the person to whom you’ve apologized will not forgive you, it’s their prerogative. This might be the perfect time to work even harder at earning their forgiveness, forgiving yourself or letting it go.
“Forgiveness is just another name for freedom.” ~ Byron Katie
Recommended Reading:
“Forgiveness is a Choice: A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope” by Dr. Robert D. Enright PhD
Did you know that holding a grudge can be hazardous to your health? Check this out!
In the next edition of "Get Growing! Tools and Strategies for Living, Working and Relating Well," I'll be exploring the pitfalls of living a fear-based life and how you can overcome it.
Please check out my new Facebook page. Who knew posting could be so much fun?!
If you know someone who might enjoy this newsletter, feel free to pass it along.
TO SUBSCRIBE, CLICK HERE
