Get Growing! Tools and Strategies for Living, Working and Relating Well
"The Trouble With Anger"
May 16, 2021
What is it about anger that makes us so uneasy? For starters, it's fraught with emotion that is not warm and fuzzy. We refer to getting angry as getting mad…and with good reason. Anger is associated with losing control, losing one’s temper, taking leave of our senses.
But the truth is, anger is just a normal human emotion. It’s one of many emotions including joy, love, pride, excitement, surprise, sadness, disgust, contempt, fear, shame and guilt. That said, we’re more comfortable with angry feelings than we are with angry behavior. It’s the way anger is expressed that sometimes causes problems. Let’s look at the human brain for a better understanding of anger.
The amygdala is the part of the brain associated with emotions, particularly fear, anxiety and anger. The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain responsible for thought, judgment and assessing the consequences of our actions. When the amygdala identifies any kind of potential threat, it sounds the alarm so that we can take action to protect ourselves. This causes us to react before the prefrontal cortex is able to edit or censor our actions. Bottom line, our brains are wired to get us to act first – think later. As a result, anger management is a skill that must be learned.
That said, the anatomy of our brain is no excuse for bad behavior. The good news is we can control our angry and aggressive impulses. All it takes is time, practice and patience. If you’ve been known to have a short fuse or if you just want to express your anger in a healthier manner, here are some strategies for getting your prefrontal cortex on your side.
1. Be a fly on the wall: Start by observing your own behavior when you’re angry. Are you quick to react? Do you raise your voice? Do you say nasty things you might regret? Becoming aware of how you think, feel and act when you’re angry, is the first step toward managing it.
2. Go to the source: If you’re not sure where to begin, ask for feedback from others who have experienced your anger first-hand. They can provide specific details and examples of your ‘bad behavior’ and how it impacted them. You may not like what you hear, but no pain - no gain.
3. The do-over: We all know that hindsight is 20/20. In your mind, replay at least one incident in which you expressed anger in a negative way. Now imagine you could go back in time and do it over. What would you say or do differently? Write your answer down and review it, in addition to rehearsing it out loud for practice. This will help you do a better job next time.
4. Take a time-out/count to 10: When your temper is starting to flare, take a time-out, count to ten, take a few deep breaths and then decide how you want to return to the interaction. This will decrease the likelihood of saying or doing something you’ll regret.
5. Don’t personalize it: When you notice yourself getting angry, try to keep your cool and stay focused on the issue at hand. Name-calling, blaming, insults or making threats (idle or otherwise) is NEVER okay.
6. Don’t make it about everything but the kitchen sink: Some people have a tendency to dredge up old hurts that have nothing to do with the current issue. This only serves to fan the flames and reduces the likelihood of conflict resolution.
Now that you have some tools and strategies for managing your own anger, what about when the shoe is on the other foot? Here are some suggestions for handling anger when it is directed at you:
1. Listen instead of zoning out and waiting for the first opportunity to jump in: Sound familiar? If you don’t listen, you won’t understand where the other person is coming from, depriving yourself of the opportunity to learn, grow and change.
2. Don’t interrupt: Don’t speak until the person (who is angry) is finished talking or when there is a natural break/pause in communication. Interrupting is disrespectful, annoying and only serves to exacerbate anger. If the other person’s anger is bordering on verbal or physical abuse, take a time-out and/or remove yourself from the situation for your safety.
3. If you’re wrong, admit it: If the other person's anger is warranted and you know you’re at fault, don’t make excuses or try to slink away without taking responsibility. Say you're sorry. Apologizing is that important first step toward making it right.
4. Don’t’ turn it around: This is the grown-up version of “I know you are but what am I.” If your partner is angry because you did X-Y-Z, countering with “You do X-Y-Z too!” is not helpful. Two wrongs don’t make a right.
Anger management is about treating others the way you would like to be treated. There is nothing wrong with being angry or expressing your anger, as long as you do it in a reasonably calm and respectful manner. Shouting and raging is not a normal or healthy way for an adult to express his or her anger. Remember, your amygdala can’t hold you hostage...unless you let it.
"Anger is just anger. It isn't good. It isn't bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. It's like anything else. You can use it to build or to destroy. You just have to make the choice."
~ Jim Butcher, White Knight
Want to express anger without losing your cool? Check out these anger-management tools and strategies!
To learn more about the unique challenges women face in experiencing and expressing anger, see my blog post: "It's Okay to be Angry, Even if You're a Woman" 5/16/21
EVENTS:
Living Your Wisdom: Simple Strategies for Achieving Your Goals and Dreams
Imagine finding a buried treasure right in your own back yard and all you have to do is unearth it. Your inner-wisdom is an often overlooked and underutilized faculty, yet it is a powerful tool that can help you create a more meaningful and fulfilling life. In this workshop you will learn:
We'll also explore Dr. Randy Pausch’s unique perspectives on wisdom and life lessons. You'll leave this workshop with tools and strategies for taking those all-important and sometimes daunting first steps in the direction of your goals and dreams. Don't Miss It!
When: Tuesday June 15, 3:00 - 4:00 PM AND Tuesday June 22, 3:00 - 4:00 PM
Where: Hosted by New Trier Extension via Zoom
Registration Information : If you do not have an account with New Trier Extension, you will be asked to create one in order to register for my workshop. It's quick and easy and just requires a few steps. Click on 'Create New Account' at the bottom of the Log In window.
Click here to register for Living Your Wisdom: Simple Strategies for Achieving Your Goals and Dreams
In the next edition of "Get Growing! Tools and Strategies for Living, Working and Relating Well," I'll be exploring lost opportunities. What stops us from pursuing them and how to make sure the next one doesn't get away.
Check out my Shelley Weiss Cohen, Inc. Facebook Page. If you like what you see, please Like, Share, Comment. I'd love to hear from you.
If you know of someone who might enjoy this newsletter, feel free to pass it along. Haven't subscribed yet? What are you waiting for?
"The Trouble With Anger"
May 16, 2021
What is it about anger that makes us so uneasy? For starters, it's fraught with emotion that is not warm and fuzzy. We refer to getting angry as getting mad…and with good reason. Anger is associated with losing control, losing one’s temper, taking leave of our senses.
But the truth is, anger is just a normal human emotion. It’s one of many emotions including joy, love, pride, excitement, surprise, sadness, disgust, contempt, fear, shame and guilt. That said, we’re more comfortable with angry feelings than we are with angry behavior. It’s the way anger is expressed that sometimes causes problems. Let’s look at the human brain for a better understanding of anger.
The amygdala is the part of the brain associated with emotions, particularly fear, anxiety and anger. The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain responsible for thought, judgment and assessing the consequences of our actions. When the amygdala identifies any kind of potential threat, it sounds the alarm so that we can take action to protect ourselves. This causes us to react before the prefrontal cortex is able to edit or censor our actions. Bottom line, our brains are wired to get us to act first – think later. As a result, anger management is a skill that must be learned.
That said, the anatomy of our brain is no excuse for bad behavior. The good news is we can control our angry and aggressive impulses. All it takes is time, practice and patience. If you’ve been known to have a short fuse or if you just want to express your anger in a healthier manner, here are some strategies for getting your prefrontal cortex on your side.
1. Be a fly on the wall: Start by observing your own behavior when you’re angry. Are you quick to react? Do you raise your voice? Do you say nasty things you might regret? Becoming aware of how you think, feel and act when you’re angry, is the first step toward managing it.
2. Go to the source: If you’re not sure where to begin, ask for feedback from others who have experienced your anger first-hand. They can provide specific details and examples of your ‘bad behavior’ and how it impacted them. You may not like what you hear, but no pain - no gain.
3. The do-over: We all know that hindsight is 20/20. In your mind, replay at least one incident in which you expressed anger in a negative way. Now imagine you could go back in time and do it over. What would you say or do differently? Write your answer down and review it, in addition to rehearsing it out loud for practice. This will help you do a better job next time.
4. Take a time-out/count to 10: When your temper is starting to flare, take a time-out, count to ten, take a few deep breaths and then decide how you want to return to the interaction. This will decrease the likelihood of saying or doing something you’ll regret.
5. Don’t personalize it: When you notice yourself getting angry, try to keep your cool and stay focused on the issue at hand. Name-calling, blaming, insults or making threats (idle or otherwise) is NEVER okay.
6. Don’t make it about everything but the kitchen sink: Some people have a tendency to dredge up old hurts that have nothing to do with the current issue. This only serves to fan the flames and reduces the likelihood of conflict resolution.
Now that you have some tools and strategies for managing your own anger, what about when the shoe is on the other foot? Here are some suggestions for handling anger when it is directed at you:
1. Listen instead of zoning out and waiting for the first opportunity to jump in: Sound familiar? If you don’t listen, you won’t understand where the other person is coming from, depriving yourself of the opportunity to learn, grow and change.
2. Don’t interrupt: Don’t speak until the person (who is angry) is finished talking or when there is a natural break/pause in communication. Interrupting is disrespectful, annoying and only serves to exacerbate anger. If the other person’s anger is bordering on verbal or physical abuse, take a time-out and/or remove yourself from the situation for your safety.
3. If you’re wrong, admit it: If the other person's anger is warranted and you know you’re at fault, don’t make excuses or try to slink away without taking responsibility. Say you're sorry. Apologizing is that important first step toward making it right.
4. Don’t’ turn it around: This is the grown-up version of “I know you are but what am I.” If your partner is angry because you did X-Y-Z, countering with “You do X-Y-Z too!” is not helpful. Two wrongs don’t make a right.
Anger management is about treating others the way you would like to be treated. There is nothing wrong with being angry or expressing your anger, as long as you do it in a reasonably calm and respectful manner. Shouting and raging is not a normal or healthy way for an adult to express his or her anger. Remember, your amygdala can’t hold you hostage...unless you let it.
"Anger is just anger. It isn't good. It isn't bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. It's like anything else. You can use it to build or to destroy. You just have to make the choice."
~ Jim Butcher, White Knight
Want to express anger without losing your cool? Check out these anger-management tools and strategies!
To learn more about the unique challenges women face in experiencing and expressing anger, see my blog post: "It's Okay to be Angry, Even if You're a Woman" 5/16/21
EVENTS:
Living Your Wisdom: Simple Strategies for Achieving Your Goals and Dreams
Imagine finding a buried treasure right in your own back yard and all you have to do is unearth it. Your inner-wisdom is an often overlooked and underutilized faculty, yet it is a powerful tool that can help you create a more meaningful and fulfilling life. In this workshop you will learn:
- What wisdom is, why it's so important and the role it plays in achieving your goals and dreams.
- How your story prevents you from accessing your inner wisdom and living your best life.
- How to reframe wisdom as a strategy that can be applied to everyday challenges.
- How to set ‘SMART’ goals and design a plan of action using wisdom as your guide.
- How to archive your inner wisdom, making it easily accessible for future reference.
We'll also explore Dr. Randy Pausch’s unique perspectives on wisdom and life lessons. You'll leave this workshop with tools and strategies for taking those all-important and sometimes daunting first steps in the direction of your goals and dreams. Don't Miss It!
When: Tuesday June 15, 3:00 - 4:00 PM AND Tuesday June 22, 3:00 - 4:00 PM
Where: Hosted by New Trier Extension via Zoom
Registration Information : If you do not have an account with New Trier Extension, you will be asked to create one in order to register for my workshop. It's quick and easy and just requires a few steps. Click on 'Create New Account' at the bottom of the Log In window.
Click here to register for Living Your Wisdom: Simple Strategies for Achieving Your Goals and Dreams
In the next edition of "Get Growing! Tools and Strategies for Living, Working and Relating Well," I'll be exploring lost opportunities. What stops us from pursuing them and how to make sure the next one doesn't get away.
Check out my Shelley Weiss Cohen, Inc. Facebook Page. If you like what you see, please Like, Share, Comment. I'd love to hear from you.
If you know of someone who might enjoy this newsletter, feel free to pass it along. Haven't subscribed yet? What are you waiting for?
