Get Growing! Tools and Strategies for Achieving Your Goals and Dreams
Apologizing: The When, Where, How and Why of Saying 'I'm Sorry'
September 10, 2020
Some people would rather get a root canal than say I’m sorry. Why is that? An apology might conjure up images of approaching someone hat in hand, from a place of weakness or subordination. It may require an admission of wrong-doing or guilt, which is especially difficult for someone with a big ego.
So why apologize? For starters, it’s a respectful, compassionate act that promotes healing, clears the air and gives the relationship a chance to reboot. Here are examples of different types of apologizers (yes, apologizer is a real word) and what motivates them.
No Way, Jose! This person will not apologize, no matter the consequences. There are many contributing factors, but a common thread is the faulty belief that apologizing is an act of weakness or giving in. He/she fears that apologizing might result in giving up control or power in a relationship, yet they may expect or insist upon apologies from others.
The Artful Dodger: The 'AD' knows an apology is in order but avoids it, hoping the incident will just blow over. He may think it's in the rear-view mirror, but the recipient of his bad behavior might still be reeling. This sets the stage for passive or overt aggression toward the 'AD' down the road. Even if the wronged person decides to let it slide, the damage is done.
Only One to Customer: This person makes apologies, but doles them out sparingly. For example, she might commit an offense – apologize – commit another offense soon after and then...no more apologies for you! She finds apologizing so distasteful, she can't bring herself to make another one, even though it is warranted.
The Serial Apologizer: This person may be a people-pleaser, who suffers from low self-esteem and a chronic need to be nice. He may be quick to apologize, even when it’s unnecessary. He fears even a minor offense might anger someone, so he placates. This apologizer is conflict-averse and will do almost anything to keep the peace, even at his own expense.
The Other kind of Serial Apologizer engages in behavior that warrants an apology on a regular basis and apologizes on a regular basis. In this situation, taking a closer look at what motivates her behavior and resolving the underlying problem will lessen the frequency and subsequent need to apologize. Less bad behavior = fewer apologies!
Clueless, but Sorry: 'Clueless' may be motivated by a desire to quickly put an end to a disagreement, so he apologizes without a clear understanding of why he is apologizing. The problem with a clueless apology is that the recipient often sees right through it. It may come off as insincere or hollow. Plus it deprives both individuals of the opportunity to resolve the issue, learn and grow from it.
If you want to become a better apologizer, start by asking yourself the following questions. Your answers will provide clues and insights that will help you improve your apologizing skills.
Do I usually know or recognize when an apology is warranted?
What stops me from making an apology?
How would my life be different if I became a better apologizer?
To learn more, I recommend "The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships" by Gary Chapman. Next, do your homework. Write down your apology in advance and then rehearse it. This will boost your confidence and make it easier to deliver. Remember, the best time to make an apology is sooner rather than later.
In one of his last lectures, the late Randy Pauch, PhD, Professor of Computer Science at Carnegie Mellon University said that a great apology consists of three parts:
I’m sorry – which is about acknowledgment
It was my fault – which is about taking responsibility
How do I make it right? – which is about accountability, righting the wrong
He pointed out that most people don’t consider the third part, because it takes the most time and effort.
If you have a friend, family member or significant other who is apology-challenged, getting angry with them, sulking or suffering in silence will only make it worse. To help him or her become a better apologizer, create a teachable moment. For example, if you don't get the apology you deserve, calmly tell the person how you feel and what you need, right down to the kind of apology you would like to hear. Explain why it is so important to you and how it affects your relationship. Then be patient. Learning how to be a more skillful apologizer takes time and practice.
Be a role-model for effective apologizing: We learn by example, so next time you make an apology, remember that you are demonstrating what a proper apology looks and sounds like, thereby providing a valuable life lesson.
For years, my father carried this small newspaper clipping in his wallet. He passed away twenty-five years ago and it's been in my wallet ever since:
"In the world of family relations, three words are almost as powerful as the famous 'I love you'. They are “Maybe you’re right."
Learning how to make a heartfelt apology helps you let go of the need to be right and in control. It is an act of strength and courage as well as a lesson in humility. Every time you say I’m sorry or I was wrong, you are one step further into integrity. If you think you owe someone an apology, you probably do. Better to be safe, than not sorry.
Need help making apologies? Check this out!
"Never ruin an apology with an excuse." ~ Benjamin Franklin
In the next edition of "Get Growing!" I'll be exploring forgiveness...with a twist.
If you know of anyone who might enjoy this newsletter, please feel free to pass it along ~
Apologizing: The When, Where, How and Why of Saying 'I'm Sorry'
September 10, 2020
Some people would rather get a root canal than say I’m sorry. Why is that? An apology might conjure up images of approaching someone hat in hand, from a place of weakness or subordination. It may require an admission of wrong-doing or guilt, which is especially difficult for someone with a big ego.
So why apologize? For starters, it’s a respectful, compassionate act that promotes healing, clears the air and gives the relationship a chance to reboot. Here are examples of different types of apologizers (yes, apologizer is a real word) and what motivates them.
No Way, Jose! This person will not apologize, no matter the consequences. There are many contributing factors, but a common thread is the faulty belief that apologizing is an act of weakness or giving in. He/she fears that apologizing might result in giving up control or power in a relationship, yet they may expect or insist upon apologies from others.
The Artful Dodger: The 'AD' knows an apology is in order but avoids it, hoping the incident will just blow over. He may think it's in the rear-view mirror, but the recipient of his bad behavior might still be reeling. This sets the stage for passive or overt aggression toward the 'AD' down the road. Even if the wronged person decides to let it slide, the damage is done.
Only One to Customer: This person makes apologies, but doles them out sparingly. For example, she might commit an offense – apologize – commit another offense soon after and then...no more apologies for you! She finds apologizing so distasteful, she can't bring herself to make another one, even though it is warranted.
The Serial Apologizer: This person may be a people-pleaser, who suffers from low self-esteem and a chronic need to be nice. He may be quick to apologize, even when it’s unnecessary. He fears even a minor offense might anger someone, so he placates. This apologizer is conflict-averse and will do almost anything to keep the peace, even at his own expense.
The Other kind of Serial Apologizer engages in behavior that warrants an apology on a regular basis and apologizes on a regular basis. In this situation, taking a closer look at what motivates her behavior and resolving the underlying problem will lessen the frequency and subsequent need to apologize. Less bad behavior = fewer apologies!
Clueless, but Sorry: 'Clueless' may be motivated by a desire to quickly put an end to a disagreement, so he apologizes without a clear understanding of why he is apologizing. The problem with a clueless apology is that the recipient often sees right through it. It may come off as insincere or hollow. Plus it deprives both individuals of the opportunity to resolve the issue, learn and grow from it.
If you want to become a better apologizer, start by asking yourself the following questions. Your answers will provide clues and insights that will help you improve your apologizing skills.
Do I usually know or recognize when an apology is warranted?
What stops me from making an apology?
How would my life be different if I became a better apologizer?
To learn more, I recommend "The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships" by Gary Chapman. Next, do your homework. Write down your apology in advance and then rehearse it. This will boost your confidence and make it easier to deliver. Remember, the best time to make an apology is sooner rather than later.
In one of his last lectures, the late Randy Pauch, PhD, Professor of Computer Science at Carnegie Mellon University said that a great apology consists of three parts:
I’m sorry – which is about acknowledgment
It was my fault – which is about taking responsibility
How do I make it right? – which is about accountability, righting the wrong
He pointed out that most people don’t consider the third part, because it takes the most time and effort.
If you have a friend, family member or significant other who is apology-challenged, getting angry with them, sulking or suffering in silence will only make it worse. To help him or her become a better apologizer, create a teachable moment. For example, if you don't get the apology you deserve, calmly tell the person how you feel and what you need, right down to the kind of apology you would like to hear. Explain why it is so important to you and how it affects your relationship. Then be patient. Learning how to be a more skillful apologizer takes time and practice.
Be a role-model for effective apologizing: We learn by example, so next time you make an apology, remember that you are demonstrating what a proper apology looks and sounds like, thereby providing a valuable life lesson.
For years, my father carried this small newspaper clipping in his wallet. He passed away twenty-five years ago and it's been in my wallet ever since:
"In the world of family relations, three words are almost as powerful as the famous 'I love you'. They are “Maybe you’re right."
Learning how to make a heartfelt apology helps you let go of the need to be right and in control. It is an act of strength and courage as well as a lesson in humility. Every time you say I’m sorry or I was wrong, you are one step further into integrity. If you think you owe someone an apology, you probably do. Better to be safe, than not sorry.
Need help making apologies? Check this out!
"Never ruin an apology with an excuse." ~ Benjamin Franklin
In the next edition of "Get Growing!" I'll be exploring forgiveness...with a twist.
If you know of anyone who might enjoy this newsletter, please feel free to pass it along ~
